“But my heart, it don’t beat, it don’t beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don’t see you no more.
.., and my eyes don’t recognize you no more.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.”

There’s something about music that can explain the unexplainable. I found these lyrics to be –literal.

Have you ever had one of those days that appeared to be normal only to have your world turned upside within a span of 5 minutes? I laugh every time I think of it. We walk around for a week, immortal, as if we have some sort of invincibility card. Sadly, reality comes crashing down faster and sooner than expect – without bells or warnings. Shit Happens. Pretty much how I feel today.

I confronted my mortality. I faced the reality that we are human down to the very last cell in our bodies. Health is extremely important. I didn’t realize how much a disease could affect your everyday life. Thinking about it exhausts me. I truly admire people who deal with Alzheimer’s, HIV/aids/, Glaucoma, Parkinson’s, Diabetes, and other diseases and disabilities. I can’t imagine the pain, the strength, the morality, those individuals must confront.

I have nothing of that sorts. Just a rare one. It started off with a normal eye exam in which I wanted to replace my eyeglasses for contacts. Things weren’t going so well at a routine eye exam. The staff and the doctor began consulting each other, papers shuffling around, and confusion marred their faces. Nothing of that sorts. Yeah right.

I answered all the questions to the best of my ability. The optometrist curiously and patiently ran a series of eye tests to explain the unexplainable. Until Eureka, a scarring in my cornea was discovered. He began explaining the cause to my distortions, double vision, and blurry symptoms. I can lump it all together in one phrase, advanced keratoconus. Never in my life have I heard of that disease or even the word.

Basically it’s when there is a bulge growing in your cornea that causes refraction of light in your eyes, hence the distortion and blurriness produced. Normally it affects one eye but sometimes both, and it’s slowly progressive from a time frame of 5-10 years. But not in my case, keratoconus supersped in a span of one year. He went over treatments, in which I, aimlessly nod to, until the words transplant surgery pulled me from my reverie. Dr. Durkin explained that I needed some type of surgery to replace my damaged cornea with a transplant cornea.

Those are probably the most scariest words I have ever heard, transplant and surgery. I’m not to fond of surgeries much less hospitals much less anything foreign in my body. So you can understand my fear. Not to mention the risks that come along with transplants. But nevertheless, it’s real. I’m surprise I took it as well. Make no mistake their was inner turmoil inside, I just simply pushed down the threat of tears with simple gulp, as I booked the appoint with a Cornea specialist, took down the name, nodded to the address, nodded to the instructions, and continued to nod like a mindless idiot.

Sigh. So much for a normal senior year. I couldn’t breathe to tell you the truth. I’m a very cautious person. I like to know what’s going on and like to know all the possibility, including the ugly risks that come along with it. I had no idea how I was going to tell my uncle, my mom, my little sisters. I don’t like to worry the people I love. Worry is one of the lasts things I want to do.
I laugh to myself now, that’s the first thing I thought about, how am I gonna tell them? I don’t want to worry my family, and I better tell them so they can have their eyes checked.

But, no man or woman can be their own island. So I called the first person that could pull me from my frantic senses, my uncle. Thank God for the strength he gave him to calm me down. I then called my sister, in her words “emotionally strong”, I was prepared for her break down. Dont get me wrong she’s just as strong as I am but when it comes to something happening to a loved one, she feels deeply. I couldn’t help but breakdown with her. I pulled my self together after that. I have to be strong about this.

I just have to tell the last person I share everything with, my mother. God Bless her soul, I hope she takes it well. We’re a team you see. We both are strong and level-headed, as long as we’re okay, everybody is okay. But when one of us are not okay, the family becomes unstable. But I have faith that we will unite under this new problem and surpass it. And like I tell my self, This too shall pass.

And once we’re all standing under a united front, we’ll be able to confrt the little one, my baby sister Vasti. No matter how atrong or bold or level-headed you are, that test comes when you have tell a little one what’s going on and that everything is going to be okay. Because you are force to tell the truth to such innocence and believe the same words you are saying.

No matter how strong we might think we are, we still need love and support to get through life’s challenges. No matter how unexpected suitations are, we still have control of things. No matter how scary a disease seems, we still have the power of God to heal all. And this too shall pass. No matter how scared I am out of my mind, this too shall pass

For more information on keratonocus. click here
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